


tired of sleeping with ghosts

by harrytomlinsonwhoops



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-19
Updated: 2015-01-19
Packaged: 2018-03-08 05:42:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3197510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harrytomlinsonwhoops/pseuds/harrytomlinsonwhoops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And Harry's chest aches when he thinks about the day they wrote <i>Act My Age</i>, back before any of them had even properly thought about what it means to be old- kids, and grand kids, bones aching all the time, and what feels like a constant stream of funerals, and he remembers Niall laughing every time they performed the song live, bouncing around stage after stage, because the idea of them ever getting fat and old was laughable, back when they were all twenty, and fit, and <i>alive</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	tired of sleeping with ghosts

It's just after his seventy third birthday that they get the call. Perrie's distraught- she hasn't even told their kids (adults, Harry mentally corrects. How can they be kids if they have their own as well?), and she didn't know who else to call except Harry and Louis, she says.

They both know that she really means there was nobody else to call. It's just them three left, now.

*

Louis makes them tea and brings it to the bed Harry hasn't left in days, because of his back. "When's the funeral?" he asks quietly, handing Harry his mug.

Harry shrugs slightly. "Not sure," he murmurs. "Perrie said she'd have to sort it out around the boys work and stuff, but so far she thinks next Thursday, maybe. I'm sure Jake and Lance will rearrange everything for it."

"It doesn't feel like long enough," he says. "Since Liam, I mean. We had two years, between him and Niall, and- it's only been two months, now. Doesn't feel fair, I guess."

Harry sighs, and snuggles into Louis' arm. "None of this has been fair," he agrees. "Not for years now."

Louis nods in agreement. "I- I'm scared," he admits. "It's just us now. I never thought we'd be the last left."

Harry laughs quietly. "I thought Liam would live to past one hundred," he agrees. "All that healthy eating and walking and stuff." Louis' eyes crinkle, and Harry feels sixteen again, when Louis smiles. 

"Must be worse for Perrie," Louis notes, smile fading. "The girls all went years ago, within months of each other. It's been just her for ages now."

"She had Zayn," Harry points out. "I- oh god, I can't believe he's gone. They all are, and- Lou, that could have been you, and-"

Louis pulls Harry into his arms a second before his body his racked with sobs. "It's okay," he murmurs. "They're all together now, at least, and you still have me," he reassures Harry, whispering quietly in his ear. "You'll always have me Harry, I promise."

Harry nods, and holds onto Louis like he'll never let go, ignoring the nagging voice in the back of his head that says Louis can't promise him that.

*

(It's just before Louis' fortieth birthday that they get the call- they're going to be dads in nine months. They spend the night drinking wine, searching through baby names and making love. Harry's never loved Louis more than in that moment.)

*

They ring their kids to let them all know. Annabelle and Riley are just as upset and shocked as they expected, and promise to come over that night, after work, but Elijah is surprisingly furious.

"He  _can't_ be dead," he argues when Louis gently delivers the news. "You're- you must be wrong. He was designing my book cover- he wasn't  _finished_ yet."

Harry blinks away tears. "I'm so sorry Eli. I know you two were close," he murmurs. "The girls are coming over for dinner tonight, do you want to join us? Riley's bringing Alex and her kids."

He hears Elijah holding back sobs. "It's Emma's mum's birthday. I've got to go to dinner with them," he says. "I can't- I'm sorry-"

Louis' eyes meet Harry's, and Harry suddenly is filled with more anger than he'd ever known- anger at Zayn and Liam and Niall for  _leaving_ them. "You should be with your family," Louis says quietly. "I'm sure they'll understand."

Elijah takes a deep breath. "Okay. Okay, I'll- see you tonight," he says, before hanging up. Louis sighs, and looks at Harry.

"I knew he'd take it hard, but-"

" _Of course_ he's taking is hard," Harry interrupts. "Zayn's  _dead_ , Louis. He's dead and gone and he's not coming back. None of them are, and- they were like family to our kids. They  _are_ family, and- they just  _left_ us."

Louis sighs. "You know it's not like that Harry. They didn't  _want_ to leave us."

"Doesn't change the fact that they did. Zayn smoked for over fifty years, maybe- he could still  _be here_ if he had stopped," Harry points out, tears streaming down his face. "Maybe Liam and Niall didn't have much of a choice, but  _goddammit, Zayn did,_ " he snaps, before storming off, and slamming his bedroom door behind him. 

Louis sighs, and decides to leave Harry alone for a little while, knowing he needs time to calm down. He pick up his phone, and his finger hovers over his contact button for minutes before he realises he doesn't really have anyone left to talk to about this. 

*

(Harry passes out when their surrogate presents them with their baby girl.

"What are you going to name her?" Jessie asks, green eyes shining with happiness. She's a mess- sweat covering her forehead and bags as black as the night sky under her eyes, but Harry's never thought a woman was so beautiful before. 

Louis is staring at the baby with stars in his eyes, and Harry's hurt feels like it could burst with love. "Riley," he answers, beaming as the baby opens her eyes. "Riley J. Tomlinson-Styles.")

*

The doorbell ring at half five, and Louis answers it, hoping that Harry will come downstairs now that they've got company. Riley's at the door, with one baby in her arms, and the other in her husbands.

Louis smiles, instantly making a play for the baby in Riley's arm. "Hey Riles," he greets, kissing his first-born daughter on the cheek. "Alex," he nods, smiling. "How are you?" Riley's eyes are red and puffy and Louis sighs. "Sorry, stupid question," he murmurs, adjusting the baby in his arms. "Who have I got here?"

"William," Alex answers. "We've decided to dress him in blue, and Edward in green for now. Until they start to look noticeably different," he shrugs, adjusting Edwards little green beanie. 

Louis nods, familiar with twins. "It took me years to be able to tell Daisy and Phoebe apart at just a glance," he says, smiling softly at the memory of his sisters as babies. "Even Doris and Ernie, when they were babies, looked the same to me until mum started putting bows in Doris' hair."

Alex laughs, and shushes Edward as he began to whimper. "Daisy was over the other week, visiting," he tells him. "She said she's very glad she never had twins, because the amount of times her and Phoebe used to trick everyone."

Louis laughs along, bouncing William on his hip as he woke up. "Little brats, they were," he agrees. "It's a pity they both had normal kids, really," he says, stepping aside to let everyone in. "Annabelle's due soon," he says to Riley. "Have you seen her much lately?"

Riley grins and rolls her eyes. "She's got a new girlfriend, actually. Barely replies to my messages, she's so bloody infatuated with her."

Louis' eyes light up. "Oh, give me all the details," he begs. 

"Her name is Rhea, she's super gorgeous- exactly Anna's type, really- and they take the same Drama class at Uni," Riley gossips. "She only met her three or four weeks ago, but I think they're already a little bit in love."

Louis smiles softly, turning around when he hears footsteps behind him. "Takes after her dads that way," Harry says, hugging Riley and shaking hands with Alex, before instantly taking Edward off of his hands. 

Riley laughs. "God, I hope not," she shakes her head. "I don't think I can deal with more pet names and heart eyes across the dinner table."

"I'll have you know, thousands of teenage girls across the world thought we were adorable," Louis protests. "And if it wasn't for our undying love for each other, you wouldn't be here." 

Harry winces at  _undying_ and Louis squeezes his hand. "We can all dream, can't we?" Annabelle's voice rings out as she enters the living room. "Life without a sister, that's the dream, really," she teases, hugging Riley who mock punches her in the arm, and Alex, before heading to her fathers.

"Hi sweetie," Louis greets, kissing her forehead. 

"Hi Daddy," she murmurs, before leaning over to kiss Harry's cheek. "I knocked, but nobody answered so I just used my own key," she shrugs at his questioning stare. "Too busy gossiping about me to listen out," she accuses, glaring at Riley, who grins sheepishly. 

"Your hair looks lovely today," Riley compliments, smiling angelically. 

"Rhea did it," Annabelle tells her, attempting to take one of the twins away from her fathers, with a lot of difficulty. "They're my nephews, hand one of 'em over!" she demands.

Harry smiles, and snuggles Edward even closer. "They're our grandchildren, so we win," he argues, and Annabelle rolls her eyes, but leaves it alone.

"How's Perrie?" she asks quietly, a sad look overcoming her pretty face. "I wanted to ring her, but didn't want to be a bother. I did call Jake and Lance though. Jake was- as expected really. But Lance was an absolute mess over the phone, so we had lunch together today."

Louis sighs. "I feel terrible for them," he says. "Lance wasn't getting along very well with Zayn lately- ever since Zayn picked up smoking again. I mean- Lance was justified in being angry, obviously, but- he's probably very angry at himself now."

Annabelle nods. "He's blaming himself, a little bit I think. He knows that heart attacks are caused by stress, and he thinks he was stressing his dad out too much."

Harry shakes his head. "That's ridiculous! He shouldn't blame himself- he must know that Zayn was going to die soon anyway, what with the cancer. That's probably what caused the heart attack anyway."

Annabelle nods again. "I told him that it wasn't anyone's fault, and then rang Samantha after I left him to make sure she did the same when he got home. Liam was always good at comforting Zayn, so I'm sure his daughter will be able to comfort Zayn's son. I think he'll be okay, eventually. How's Elijah taking it?"

Harry and Louis sigh simultaneously. "Not as well as we hoped, I suppose," Harry eventually answers. "He's angry, I think. Or- at least he's covering his sadness with anger."

"Typical Styles behaviour," Louis says pointedly, and Harry blushes. "He'll be okay as well though," he adds. "He's coming tonight as well, which will be good for him, I think."

Annabelle and Riley both nod, concerned looks on their faces. "Is he bringing Emma?" Riley questions.

Harry shakes his head. "It's her mums birthday," he explains. "He was meant to be going out for dinner with them, but we convinced him he should be with us, for now."

Riley sighs. "He'll definitely need the support," she agrees. "He was always much closer with Uncle Zayn then the rest of us."

"He'll be okay," Annabelle says, reaching over to squeeze her sisters hand. "We all will be."

*

It's two days before the funeral when Perrie rings Harry again.

"I don't know if he wanted to be cremated or buried," she says by way of hello, and he hears the desperation in her voice. 

"Cremated," he replies instantly, thinking back to when they buried Niall, and Zayn's hands shook throughout the entire funeral because all he could think about was how claustrophobic it would be inside the coffin. "He definitely wanted to be cremated."

He hears Perrie take a deep breath, and knows she's trying not to cry. "Thank you," she says quietly. "I don't know what I'd do without you and Lou."

Harry has to focus on his breathing so he doesn't lose it. "Survive," he tells her. "That's what you'd do."

*

Harry and Louis walk into the church, hands intertwined. Harry's breath hitches when he see's the photos of Zayn and his friends and family covering the room. There's photos of One Direction when they were only just formed, and then photos of the five of them later on in life, when they weren't a band anymore, but just brothers. There's photos at all four of the weddings, and at the birth of Liam and Sophia's little boy, the first baby born to any of them. There's photos from Zayn's childhood, and then next to them, are photos of his children, with an almost uncanny similarity between Zayn and Jake when they were both teenagers. Harry's heart is aching at the thought that his entire life is now over, with not much but photographs from a different time to show for it.

Louis nudges his stomach with his elbow. "None of that," he whispers. "You know he-  _we_ touched so many lives. He'll live on in Jake and Lance, and in their kids too. He's not entirely gone Haz."

Harry blinks away tears, and grips Louis' hand harder than before. "I love you," he tells him. "Thank you for always knowing what I'm thinking, and then for- well, stopping me from thinking, really."

Louis' answering smile is beautiful, and Harry is astounded by the fact that it's been over fifty years since he first saw Louis' smile. "I'll always be here to stop you thinking," Louis promises, and Harry nods, ignoring the promise that he knows might not be kept. They sit down after greeting Perrie, Jake, Lance and Samantha. "Lance looks awful," Louis murmurs quietly. "Annabelle was right, he's taking this awfully hard."

Harry subtly glances over at Zayn's family, where Lance is just barley holding it together. "It helps that he's got Sam, I reckon."

Louis nods. "I reckon Liam's probably rolling over in his grave, at the thought of Lance and Sam finally dating," he grins, and Harry's eyes light up.

"I keep forgetting he wasn't here for that," he replies. "And he tried so hard to keep his 'perfect, sweet, _innocent_ daughter' away from him," Harry remembers, laughing quietly. "Don't know why, really. Perrie raised her boys right, should have been Eric he worried about."

Louis grins. "Niall was a bit of a bad influence on him, after he divorced Jackie, wasn't he? It almost seemed like a competition of who could sleep around more for awhile there," he jokes.

Harry snorts. "Idiots," he says fondly. "But- Sophia would have been happy, I reckon. She always says Lance was her favourite anyway." Harry blinks slowly. "Said, I mean."

Louis sighs. "Why does it feel like there's nobody we can talk about in present tense anymore?"

Harry frowns. "Because apart from Perrie- there isn't," he answers, and they fall into silence.

*

(When Elijah turns four, Jessie is pregnant again with their third child. He's very confused about the fact that there's a baby inside her- and when Harry and Louis try to explain that he used to be inside her belly too, he gets so overwhelmed that he cries for sixteen minutes. 

"And on his birthday too," Liam laughs. "You two would do this."

Louis glares at him, slowly rubbing Elijah's back as his sobs quieten. "It's not our fault he's overly sensitive," he hisses. 

Zayn lets out a loud laugh. "It's entirely Harry's fault," he says, grinning wider when Harry glares at him. 

Niall laughs along. "You are a bit of an emotional mess, approximately eighty percent of the time," he remarks. 

Elijah sits up, rubbing his red eyes. "What does emotional mean?" He queries. 

Liam laughs, and Harry kisses his son on the forehead. "Just that you have a lot of feelings Eli- good and bad."

Elijah considers this. "I have good feelings about cereal," he announces. "But bad feelings about babies."

The boys- men- burst into a fit of laughter and Elijah looks confused before laughing along with his fathers and uncles. 

"I promise you won't always feel that way kiddo," Louis comforts. "I didn't like Aunt Lottie at first, but now she's one of my best friends. Sisters don't always have to be awful- you like Riley after all," he reminds him. 

Elijah frowns. "She made me eat mustard on my cake before," he says, sticking his tongue out. "Sisters are mean."

Harry nods his head wisely. "But she also makes you toast with jam, doesn't she?"

Elijah sighs. "If you teach the new baby how to make toast with jam, I will like her," he decides. "But not one second before."

Harry and Louis meet eyes over their sons head, and smile. 

(When Annabelle is born, Elijah takes one look at her and loves her instantly. He spends hours and hours holding her and singing her his favourite lullabies, and when she turns six, he teaches her how to make jam on toast just the way he likes it. It becomes her favourite midnight snack very quickly.))

*

The funeral finishes a lot quicker than Harry expects, but he thinks it's mostly because there's not as many people left to speak. It's a sad thought, and Harry wonders what will happen at his and Louis' funerals- when everyone from the band is gone, and there's nobody there to talk about those wonderful eight years worth of memories.

"You're thinking again," Louis accuses on the car ride home. "Whats on your mind?"

Harry sighs. "It's just us left," he murmurs. "And after we go- One Direction wont exist anymore."

"One Direction stopped existing years ago Harry," Louis reminds him.

Harry rolls his eyes. "I know that Lou. But-"

"No, I know what you mean," Louis interrupts. "It sucks."

Harry nods. "I don't want to die," he whispers quietly, glancing out the window. "But- most of all, I don't want you to. I don't think I could live without you."

Louis breathes in, and then out, and then pulls the car over and stops. "You won't ever have to Harry, I promise."

"You can't keep that promise," Harry murmurs, and his eyes pool with tears. "All throughout Zayn's funeral- and Niall's and Liam's and every other one we've been forced to attend over the last fifteen years, all I could think was that one day it would be yours, and-"

Louis interrupts him by wrapping him in a hug. "Harry, please, don't think about that, okay? I promise, I've still got plenty of years left in me, I won't leave you," Louis repeats over and over again into Harry's hair, their tears mixing together. 

"I don't want to go first either Lou," Harry whimpers. "I can't stand the idea of being apart, it's-"

Louis interrupts him again, shushing him gently. "If you go first Harry, I promise I'll be right behind you. Nothing as simple as dying will ever keep us apart, I promise you."

The drive home is full of silence, intertwined fingers, and tears. They don't mention death or the rest of the boys for three months.

*

Harry is seventy eight when Elijah's wife Emma gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. He's got Emma's blonde hair, and Louis' blue eyes, and Harry and Louis watch happily as their son falls in love for the second time in his life.

"We're naming him after Zayn," Elijah tells them quietly, after Emma's asleep. The baby is resting in his arms, staring around with far too much awareness for a newborn. "Riles already gave you two namesakes, and I asked James and Lance, and they both said it was okay."

Harry smiles as Louis grips his hand, tears shining in both their eyes. "It's more than okay," he says, beaming at his son. "Zayn would be honored, I reckon."

"Proper chuffed," Louis agrees, smiling at the beautiful baby in his sons arms. "Though- next time someone has a kid, they've really gotta name it after Liam. He's probably fuming right now, being the last one left."

"Nobody's named a kid after Uncle Niall yet," Elijah points out, gently rocking baby Zayn.

"His nephew did, actually. Greg's kid, remember?" Louis reminds him, and Elijah nods slowly.

"Poor Uncle Liam," he jokes, unable to take his eyes of his baby. Harry and Louis smile softly, both remembering when each of their children was born. 

"We'll leave you to it then," Harry says softly. "You'll be wanting to take him in to see Emma when she wakes, and you'll both need some rest before then."

Elijah nods, and smiles at his fathers. "I- I hope I can be at least half as good a dad as you two have been to me," he says, and Harry's throat almost closes up. "You two have honestly been wonderful, and- I know Riles and Anna feel the same."

Louis' voice is choked when he replies. "You'd best do one better than us," he says. "Considering when Riley was born, we were both so hopeless we dropped her at least three times in the first week."

Elijah lets out a bark of laughter, exactly like Harry's, and Louis beams. "That'd explain a lot, really," he jokes.

"We got a lot better by the time Annabelle was born, which explains why she's the only one of you three who can actually sing, probably," Harry jumps in, and Elijah and Louis both laugh loudly.

"Speaking of Annabelle," Louis says a moment later. "She probably hasn't had a chance to tell you, what with your wife being in labor for thirty six hours and all-" Elijah shudders, and mutters _don't remind me, please "-_  but she proposed to Rhea two nights ago, and she said yes. They're getting married in the fall, probably."

Elijah's mouth drops open in shock. "She didn't even tell me she was planning anything!"

"She didn't tell anyone," Harry shrugs. "Apparently it was very spur of the moment."

Elijah grins. "That's Anna though," he says, and Harry and Louis both nod. "I'll ring her later to get all the details, probably."

"We best be going then," Louis says, kissing the baby's forehead.

"Thank you," Harry says quietly, hugging his son. "For giving us another beautiful grand child."

Elijah smiles at him, before hugging Louis goodbye as well, both mindful of the now sleeping child in his arms. "See you soon," he says, waving baby Zayn's small arm in goodbye.

*

(Their wedding is simple, but beautiful. They recite their own vows and Niall, Zayn and Liam stand up with them, with the rest of their family and friends watching as they exchange matching gold rings. 

They honeymoon in Australia- Louis goes almost impossibly brown and they fuck on a private beach almost every morning. It's beautiful and romantic and Harry remembers being sixteen and in love, and then seventeen and eighteen and nineteen and twenty and so forth. On their last night, before they have to return to reality, Harry watches Louis sleep and traces the words _husband_ and _forever_ over and over again on his skin.)

*

They're quiet when they get home that night, their house far too large and far too empty for either of their liking. They're lying in bed, watching videos of Elijah, Riley and Annabelle when they were younger. The other boys kids appear in them more times them even Gemma's son, and Harry thinks that the five of them really were a proper family, despite the lack of shared DNA.

Louis' eyes are shining with tears as he watches the video of Anne holding Annabelle for the first time, and Harry misses his mum so bad it aches. 

"Enough of this," Harry murmurs, closing the video down. "We need a laugh," he decides, before going onto youtube and finding the One Direction playlist. _Strong_ comes on first, which is quite fitting, Harry thinks. 

"Excuse you, I'm still very proud of this song," Louis protests, wiping away a stray tear. "If I wanted a laugh, I would have looked at the countless videos of Liam pantsing you during  _What Makes You Beautiful_." 

Harry snorts, and Louis' grins at him. "That was a laugh," he says. "Still quite shocked at how he never actually got my pants- just my trousers."

"It was a big pity," Louis agrees, winking at him. The song changes over, and- oh.

And Harry's chest burns when he thinks about the day they wrote _Act My Age_ , back before any of them had even properly thought about what it means to be old- kids, and grand kids, aching bones, and what feels like a constant stream of funerals, and he remembers Niall laughing every time they performed the song live, bouncing around stage after stage, because the idea of them ever getting fat and old was laughable, back when they were all twenty, and fit, and _alive_.

Louis see's the smile drop off of Harry's face. "We had a good laugh filming this, didn't we?" 

Harry smiles softly. "The best," he agrees, settling into Louis' arms.

*

(They fall asleep that night, wrapped in each others arms, and just never woke up again. _The doctors say it's_ _a bit of a medical mystery_ , Elijah explains to Riley that morning, _as nothing was really wrong with either of them_ , but when Annabelle gets to their house later on, she grips Rhea's hand, and smiles at her siblings and nephews through her tears.

 _"It was always going to happen this way,"_ she tells her family. _"Neither of them could ever really be without the other.")_

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr post can be found [here](http://slytherin-larrie.tumblr.com/post/142440363684/stilesonstyles-x-tired-of-sleeping-with-ghosts/)
> 
> thank you so much for reading. i would truly love it if any of you could spare the time to watch this [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QEUumIaxM9M&app=desktop), and then consider sharing it or donating to [this cause](http://prf.donorpages.com/TeamEnzoFundraising/CatherinaLlontop/). a little boy that i know was diagnosed with a life-threatening disease called progeria. this disease causes him to age at rapid rates, and children who suffer from this have a life expectancy of only 15 years. enzo is currently the only child with this disease in the entirety of australia, and he and his family would appreciate any awareness you could raise or any funds you can spare. if you're unable to financially help, please consider even sharing the video so maybe it will reach someone who is able to. again, thank you for reading.
> 
> as usual, find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/slytherinlarry_) and [tumblr](http://slytherin-larrie.tumblr.com).


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